


Empty

by entropy_maximum (missjmelville)



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Established Relationship, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-07
Updated: 2013-06-07
Packaged: 2017-12-14 05:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/833402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missjmelville/pseuds/entropy_maximum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That man was gone now, and it felt like he had taken John’s heart with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Empty

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Mcsheplets challenge #23 Talents, beta'd by the wonderful Ciar.

John stared blankly out of the stained glass window, back straight and face blank. Colleagues watching him would see a man not only grieving, a man feeling a loss so profound that there was no possibility of reprieve.

Revenge, and not grief, was the overriding emotion in John’s mind, however, no one here could read him well enough to realise. The only person ever to decipher John, ever to know him almost inside out, was gone. John turned around swiftly and headed away from the control room, towards a distant balcony where he could have some privacy. Various Expedition members watched him go, frowning and looking on sympathetically, thinking that they knew what he felt; the loss of a friend and a team mate.

What the watchers did not know was that John had lost so much more than just a friend and a team mate; he had lost his best friend, his confidant, and, worst of all, his lover. John felt that instead of a heart there was now just a gaping hole inside him. His heart had been a place that John had long fought to keep closed and defended, yet one man had managed to break down those defences, against all odds capturing John’s heart and holding on so tight that sometimes it made John’s heart ache.

That man was gone now, and it felt like he had taken John’s heart with him.

The balcony doors opened before John even reached them and he was greeted with a cool ocean breeze that ruffled his dark hair, making it even messier than before. John stood against the railing, leaning over so that his chest pressed up against the cold metal, so that the breeze smoothed over his face, so that it felt like flying.

He closed his eyes and remembered their first night together; it had been bright, and new, and clumsy, yet perfect. It had been right here on this balcony; they’d lain together on a blanket covering a pile of large Athosian-made pillows, the sunset in their eyes and the tang of salt in their noses. The summer-warm breeze played across sweat-slick skin. Frantic kisses and fumbling hands, the clumsy rhythm of slip-slide, a moment of ecstasy, and a night of star-filled sky: it had been perfect.

The loud crash of the waves below brought John back to the present and he was forced to hold back a sob at the loss that once again came crashing down over him, hard and fast.

Hazel eyes that had previously been so full of warmth, comfort, and a look some would call calculating, were now empty and hollow. The only emotion now visible in those eyes was anger, cold and dead. Anger that came from an overwhelming desire for revenge that John was unable to fulfil.

John Sheppard was a man of his word. He kept his promises, and he had made a promise that he intended to keep, irrespective of whether or not he survived. John remembered hushed conversations in the darkening light of evening, a whisper, a kiss, and the deal was done. _”I’ll follow you anywhere and everywhere, I’ll never leave you alone”_.

John had figured out at a young age that he had a talent for escaping alive from almost-impossible-to-survive situations, it had happened to him more than once, and on Atlantis it had happened even more frequently. This time though, John intended to do the job right, he intended to ensure that, for once, his talent would fail. When he thought of the people he’d be leaving behind, John felt only minimal guilt at leaving them so soon after the loss of someone close to them, and what little guilt there was faded quickly when John reminded himself that he had made the _right_ decision. The waves below the balcony pounded fiercely against the side of the City pier. It was a long drop and he would likely be knocked unconscious when he hit the roiling water below, from that point it would be only too easy to drown, but that was not the way John wanted to leave.

It was two days later when John decided on how he would do it, how he would take his own life. He’d thought about it, changing his mind a million times, but he had finally come up with a solution: quick, easy, mess-free, and his death would be for a good cause. All that remained was for him to get to his destination. Surprisingly, it didn’t take much to convince Elizabeth to allow him to take Teyla, Ronon, and a small team of Marines back to the planet where it had happened. They took one of the Jumpers. John had made sure that at least one of the Marines had the ATA gene and could fly them home; it wouldn’t do to strand his team, his family, when he knew that he wasn’t going back with them.

The rest was easy: cloaking as soon as they exited the Gate, flying high, scouting out the Hive ship, and then landing at a safe distance. John took care to order the Marine with the ATA gene to stay with the Jumper, ‘just as a precaution,’ he said and they believed him. From that point on, it all seemed easy. They snuck inside the Ship, they planted the explosives, and they left, only John didn’t leave with them and there was no time to rescue him. They had to withdraw back to Atlantis.

John looked over at the Wraith responsible for all of his pain, the object of his hatred and revenge. Michael never saw it coming, the bullet to the head. Shame that it hadn’t taken longer, shame he hadn’t suffered. John’s goal was nearing completion; the explosives would detonate any moment now. He closed his eyes and thought of the one he loved, the promise made, and, as the explosions shook the Hive ship, he smiled and was gone.

John’s last thought had been of that night and of how, when he died, he would no longer be alone, enduring the pain of an empty existence without his lover. John knew he was going to be the happiest dead man alive. Except, he wasn’t alive any more, so should he even be thinking and should he still be feeling anything at all, including happiness?

John opened his eyes and, smiling fondly, he said, “I told you I’d never leave you.”

“I know,” came the whispered reply.

They seemed to read each other’s mind as they both leaned forward to kiss; it was soft and tender, just like their first. As they lay down together on the soft Athosian cushions and curled up under the Atlantean sun’s dying light, John knew that he’d made the right decision.

They lay quietly together for some time before the peaceful silence was broken by a hesitant voice.

“You know, uh… that talent you have? I’m…I’m glad you lost it.”

“So am I, Rodney, so am I.”

They kissed again and, as the evening stars began to appear in the sky, they made love. They slowly relearned each other’s taste and feel, basking once more in the sensation of being loved. Now, they had all the time in the world. Here, nothing could bother them. They had an eternity together, and the best of it was that they knew they would never tire of each other; this was all they had ever needed.


End file.
